TheLove

The Love Was Not Enough
As salamu `alaykum...
First let me make a confession. I'm in my early thirties, and I am living in the West. Till my late twenties, I was involved in all sort of haram like drinking and zina (fornication). My parents were angry with me all the time. I was also the envious kind that would see something, want it for myself, and did not wish good for others. My life was messed up totally. I barely made it out of college, and then I lost my job. I did not care that much, I was always blaming Allah for my mistakes. I always hanged out with the wrong crowd who could afford to do 'stuff' - haram of course, that I was not able to do -- which made me more envious.

One day when I got to my late twenties, I started to think what if I died that day, so I started praying. My life turned around and I stopped doing the haram. It was great at the beginning... I loved every minute of it, and I loved praying. I got a good job, and my parents were happy with me. I mean life was great. But I did not read or attend any lectures about religion to know what am I suppose to do now. I mean I was reading the Quran but did not understand it. I thought that religion is just praying five times and stay away from major sins, like zina and drinking. I also thought that you can go do whatever, and then do tawbah (repent), and everything would be good.

The shaytan started with me through kufr and the existence of Allah. I thought about it for a while, then I ignored it, and it went away. Then he started to get to me through zina. I started remembering the past. I tried to fight it, but he kept reminding me about all the haram I missed out on, which I could do now that I have money. I tried to fight it, and I did not go back to zina, but I kept thinking about it. I started doing other kinds of haram like chatting with girls on the Net, and hanging out with old friends, going to haram places, thinking that I could have a little fun as long as I'm not doing the major sin itself. I also delayed my marriage.

A couple of years into that, I was depressed again, I started messing up at work again, started missing out prayers, it was so bad that I even began to wish for my old life back so I could make up for what I did not have the chance to do, haram of course. I even started blaming Allah again, and thinking ill of Him again for my mistakes even though He is the one who helped me out. I was totally blind. I also started to get demanding. I wanted this and that, and I should get it because I started praying...and I got it. Allah has granted me all my demands. I was not grateful for the things He gave me nor had I patience in the bad times, and I complained on top of that. Then I got into a little trouble, not that bad. I still did not know why this was happening to me. Then I started to realize my attitude towards Allah was totally wrong. So I tried to fix my prayers again, and concentrate on them. Life got a little better. I started doing my job a little better. I spent another two years like this. I not saying that I did not do anything sinful, but things got a little better.

So getting married... She is a good Muslim woman, but the problem was I was still not happy. I believe that I put too many demands on the girl I wanted to marry. And I still did not get the point.

A few months back I started reading about Islam on the Net and going to lectures. Let me tell you something "WHAT WAS I THINKING!!!!!!!!!!". I was a total hypocrite and a kafir (non-believer). Yes I started right, and thanked Allah at that time for showing me the way, but then I messed up, and I rejected faith after excepting it. Every sign of hypocrisy or kufr (disbelief) that Islam describes I lived it.

I started to change my way of thinking. I'm trying to read more about Islam. I'm trying to get rid of my diseases of the heart. I've gotten a little better, but I have too much work to do. I'm not saying I don't sin, we all do.

Now that I made my confession of hypocrisy, going back to kufr after iman (faith), and suffering from the diseases of the heart, I need your help. I will be honest with you. I like my old life of sins. I will not deny it, but at the same time I know now that I should not because it has a punishment in this life and the Hereafter. The idea of hypocrisy is haunting me day and night - I read about it on the Net all the time. Sometimes I feel that this is all useless, and Allah will not forgive me for my past life, and that I should just go back to my old life and enjoy it; or maybe I'm just trying to find an excuse to go back...I don't know.

I don't feel that love for Allah that I felt when I started praying, and I know it's all my fault. I'm being tortured between two worlds inside of me and it's killing me, going back to haram and enjoy my life or stay on this path and keep struggling on the inside. I can't enjoy my prayers like before, and at the same time I'm afraid to go back to my old ways. I'm in the middle...this not good. I keep reading about the deceivers, and how Allah might not forgive them. It's troubling me. I'm trying to improve, but I have a weak faith. I just want to know what am I... A hypocrite, a kafir.....? Is there any hope for me or I'm just fooling myself?

This whole situation is confusing me. What should I do to increase my faith and get out of this mess. I'm just suffering from this evil inside of me that is eating me alive. And honestly sometimes I think that I just should give up, go back and hope Allah will forgive me. I apologize for the long story.. But it is something that I had to get off my chest. Also, do you offer any phone counseling?

Jazakum Allah Khayrun...